Allyship

Relational integrity and the recent experiences that moved me.

This past week, I had experiences of allyship with men that I realized I’d never had on this level of depth and integrity.

I was aware that I’d never felt this before.

And while I hadn’t at this level, I realized that throughout the years, even in very oppressive environments, I had been surrounded by many people who had my back.

I thought about the time I was going to get a very insignificant raise after working my ass off in the banking industry for many years. My manager at the time walked into his manager’s office and said, “I can’t pay her that.” He ended up getting me one of the biggest raises I’d ever gotten, simply by speaking up.

I must note that we still have a lot to do for equality in the corporate world, but it was beautiful to see how one man, one comment, created real change in my life.

There were many times where my other manager supported me in honoring my health and what I needed emotionally and spiritually. He respectfully allowed me space and flexibility, human to human, to be fully transparent as I struggled with how to show up in the banking space when I knew I was no longer meant to be there and my entire being was screaming at me to leave.

I’m sitting with how many experiences of allyship I perhaps didn’t fully absorb at the time because all I could see was how far away we are from true equality.

Yes, there is still so much that needs to change.

SO much.

And I am grateful for every single moment someone stands for what is right.

I also know that there were likely many moments where there were people in my corner and I will never know.

For both the seen and unseen allyship, I thank you.

This is how we get there, together.

Coming back around to what inspired me to write this…

The first experience that happened recently was a man who I barely know who responded to a comment of another man on social media.

I shared about my experience as a woman and a man responded, stating that he felt upset and blamed. The ally joined the conversation and asked him why he felt that way, with gentleness and curiosity. He then tried to help this man see what we as women are experiencing right now. It helped open up some beautiful communication.

The same day, another man shared my writing on Substack - writing that was fierce and directed at the shadow of men.

He wrote, “let this be heard.”

In both circumstances, I was brought to tears.

My entire body softened.

The allyship landed not just mentally and emotionally, but in my body.

It felt like my entire being was exhaling.

I didn’t have to fight.

I didn’t have to explain.

I didn’t have to seek to be understood.

There were no strings, just grounded integrity.

I experienced this powerful felt sensation of “I got you.”

I felt safe.

I felt supported.

I felt equality.

These men showed up with integrity, curiosity, and a genuine commitment to understand and support women without defensiveness or agenda.

I want to experience more of this.

I want to see more of this in our world.

Here are some examples of allyship.

Men supporting women:

• Speaking up when another man is dismissive, defensive, or disrespectful toward women’s experiences.

• Listening without interrupting, correcting, or trying to fix, especially when women are expressing pain.

• Using their voice to advocate for equality and accountability.

• Crediting women for their ideas and amplifying their work.

• Being willing to sit in discomfort and examine their own conditioning.

• Standing beside and providing support without centering themselves or seeking recognition.

  
  

Women supporting men:

• Listen and allow emotional expression without taking responsibility for it.

• Address harm with honesty and respect, inviting growth over shame.

• Acknowledge integrity, presence, and grounded masculinity.

• Respond to the man in front of you, not past wounds or patterns.

• Allow care and support without assuming hidden agendas.

• Speak against narratives that reduce or dismiss all men.

• Recognize and respect the work men are doing to grow and unlearn.

• Support men who are doing their inner work, rather than dismissing or shaming vulnerability.

For all of us, let’s call each other into growth with honesty and care, instead of judgment or competition.

Let’s refuse to normalize harmful dynamics, even when it’s uncomfortable to speak up.

Let’s celebrate each other’s voices, successes, and truth without comparison.

Let’s lead with healthy boundaries and self-responsibility.

This is relational integrity.

There are so many examples of how we can show up as allies for each other.

What have you experienced that has touched you?

What do you want to see more of?

I’d love to hear from you.

Men for women, women for men, men for men, women for women, all genders, all races, all spaces, all of humanity - we need ALL of it!

Thank you for all the ways you are showing up for yourself and others right now.

Melissa