The Family Shadow

Hello darkness, my old friend.

I thought I had explored you thoroughly. In writing these words, I hear you lovingly chuckle. I know there will always be more.

What is our shadow?

Our shadow is the parts of ourselves and our experiences that have not been owned. The repressed, unconscious aspects we’ve learned to hide from ourselves and others. It holds our unexpressed emotions, fears, desires, memories, and pain. Everything we haven’t yet embraced as part of who we are.

It’s a place most people fear to truly explore. We are collectively conditioned not to, although I am grateful this is changing.

There is so much of our power and medicine here in the shadow.

I’ve sat with my rage, the many varieties of trauma I’ve acquired, addictions, unhealthy relationships, shrinking, people pleasing, seeking validation externally, giving my power away so many damn times - the list goes on.

What is very alive in my life right now is how much I am still holding for others, carrying their pain, and taking responsibility for what is theirs.

You all know how much I love talking about layers.

There are SO many LAYERS here!

I recently left a 20-year career in banking. My values were deeply misaligned with those of the industry and the woman I am today no longer fit there. After several years of preparing in all the ways and allowing clarity to arise, it was time and I made the leap. October 3rd was my last day.

(Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!)

There was so much grief and pain to move through and there is still so much that I am processing. It was liberating, deeply in alignment, and I am incredibly clear that I made the right decision for my path.

Leaving my established career and taking space to allow what is next to unfold is horrifically triggering for my parents. As was me leaving an abusive marriage, walking away from my dream home, being in a partnership with a beautiful man who does not fit into their definition of who I need, and all that what is true for me has unearthed in my family.

As clear as I am that I am deeply honoring what is true for me, it is so challenging to separate energetically from the fear and limitations of my parents. I have spent years consciously doing so, primarily with energy work and somatic practices, and there is still plenty here for me.

All of this is handed to us as children by our parents - all that they have not owned - the family shadow. We then have an opportunity to unpeel all that is not true for us as we grow. The inner work we do isn’t just about us, it impacts future generations and everyone who came before us.

Every person before me took the steps they were meant to take on their unique path and did their very best. And those steps, their best, created the space for me to take the steps I am taking.

I’m certain I’ll be handing my children all that I wasn’t able to own. I also rarely see and understand them in the ways I know they deserve.

We are imperfect humans and parenting is hard as hell.

I honor all of it.

And there’s still a ton of poo here.

We are often taught that love is fear, co-dependency, holding for those we love, fixing, and controlling.

Fear is never love.

Control is never love.

If our family has never broken free from the limitations we are now free of or are seeking to be free of, how can it possibly serve us to take on and dissect their opinions, emotions, truly anything that is theirs?

I still care deeply. It is still very hurtful to not feel seen or understood. I am still holding on to a lot of fear and limitations that are not mine.

I continue to unpeel, separate, and release.

I see, nurture, and listen to the many parts within me.

And I continue to learn.

If you are simply in the stands offering commentary, pointing at those of us who are bloody, bruised, and free - telling us how to live or what is right - then I’m going to lovingly, sometimes not lovingly, hold up a mirror to you and walk away, letting all that is not true for me fall to the ground.

I am aware that most of this is unconscious. We all do it. We don’t intentionally dump our fear or limiting beliefs on those we love.

We have been taught that this is what being a good mother, father, partner, and friend looks like. Me being terrified is because I love you. And then we justify the behavior of others. They worry and control you because they love you.

The love may be real, but the expression lacks ownership.

Own all that is yours and give the people in your life the space to do the same. When we hold for others, when we project on others, we actually take away their ability to take the steps they need to take.

Shadow work is a process of deepening in your awareness of self, others, and our world.

It’s messy and nobody gets it right all the time. If they say they do, run.

I can be so intense and painful. It’s also profoundly liberating and deeply worth it.

It’s about integrity, truth, balance, and wholeness. An honoring of all our parts, all of our reality.

ALL of it.

Take a moment to reflect on what is coming up for you.

What are you holding? Where is there leaky energy? Where are verbal, emotional, energetic, or physical boundaries needed? Perhaps some very difficult, honest conversations.

We’re all in this dance together. It is never solely one-sided.

I believe we chose our family to help each other learn the lessons we’re meant to learn in this lifetime. All of it is here to help us grow.

What is yours here? What is not?

Perhaps setting an intention to let your life reveal to you the shadow work asking to be addressed in your family and allowing yourself the space and courage to truly see.

Doing the shadow tango with you,

Melissa