Death & Expectations

An interesting combo, yes.

It’s been about 5 months since I’ve written on Substack. I felt inspired to say hello and share some of my recent experiences that taught me a lot.

Let’s start with the light, easy topic of death, shall we?

I celebrated my birthday recently and I spent the first half of the day dying. Pain, trauma, grief - so many layers of emotions. My entire body was closed for several hours. My children and partner lovingly tried to help me reset to no avail. I was hunched over, deep in the pain.

That’s where I needed to be.

Then, suddenly, after a solid 5 hours of death and darkness, I started to come back. I could feel my partners love. I slowly let in the medicine of nature that surrounded me. I summoned the courage to run into the ocean and let out a blood-curdling scream of rebirth before diving under the water.

I’m still not fully sure what hit me so hard. Sometimes we don’t need to understand what we are going through - we just need to allow it. We’re often invited to let whatever we are experiencing have the space to be seen, felt, and eventually, transformed.

Although I can’t name the many parts of me that died that day, I do know a big part was expectations.

Why do we have so many expectations for ourselves and others on birthdays, special occasions, and holidays?

I was not initially conscious of this, but I brought a ton of them to my birthday. And those expectations took away the freedom and ease to let the day flow as it was meant to.

There are intentions and then there are expectations.

Intentions are open and flowing. They allow people and circumstances to change and evolve. I see this as holding our palms open, bringing our desires into this world while holding them gently, spaciously with trust and surrender.

Expectations can be rigid and limiting, like trying to fit ourselves and others into boxes. Expectations add pressure and stress, and we all feel it. I see this as clinching our fists together, holding way too tightly, suffocating ourselves and others.

No, I didn’t want to wake up dying on my birthday. I wanted to be present, filled with gratitude and joy. No, I don’t love it when my son is grumpy and hormonal. Yes, I can get activated when people wait until the last minute to take care of stuff as it brings up stress and a lack of safety in my body due to experiences in my past.

All of this was my reality. The many mirrors in my external environment were asking me to look within.

Can we be with what is rather than how things should be?

Melting the resistance to what is and noticing the expectations we bring is a very juicy process.

If parts of you are dying, know the rebirth is worth it.

And if you feel stuck in death and need some help coming back to life, scream your ass off and hop in the ocean.

Diving in the depths next to you,

Melissa