Grace

Honoring every step that brought us here.

Grace came to visit me last night.

She is still flowing through me this morning as I write.

There has been so much loss lately. So much grief. So much letting go.

I’m learning to surrender to this powerful river of life, allowing it to carry me where I need to go instead of exhausting myself trying to swim upstream.

I’m learning to trust my life. To trust all that is being asked of me right now.

My abandonment wound has been especially alive these past few days.

The little girl in me that was given away at 7 days old is still very present.

Safety and trust are very hard for her.

That little girl has been showing me immense pain and loneliness.

It’s been coming up to be felt as I let go of people I love deeply but are not safe, healthy connections for me.

She has been asking me to really be with it, to feel it in its entirety.

I’m learning to do that for myself.

I put my hand on my heart. I breathed into the pressure that felt like an elephant on my chest. I brought my awareness to the pain that has been with me for a very long time. Pain that still needs to be heard, validated, and loved.

I’m here, beautiful.

No matter what, I am here.

Regardless of how anyone else shows up or doesn’t show up, I will never leave you.

You can never be abandoned ever again because I am here and I will always be here.

You are deeply loved.

Your sensitivities, your emotions, your oceanic depth, all of you is loved.

As I welcomed the pain, I felt my fierce protector step forward.

She had kept this little girl safe for many years by protecting her from pain that was too much for a tiny body to hold.

Silence and numbness had become her way of surviving.

I welcomed her too. I thanked her.

I stayed with all of this for a very long time.

I slowly felt my heart open again. I felt energy flow throughout my body. My loving words landing deeply within.

It seems like there is an unlimited amount of pain and protection in my body.

It’s frustrating as hell sometimes.

That’s ok. I’ll welcome the frustration too.

I know the amount of love within me and around me is bigger than all of it.

I connect with my deeper belonging in these moments.

Beyond our human families, to the divine mother and father, earth, animals, and wise trees that surround my home.

I let that settle in my body.

Letting in more safety, letting in more trust.

More grace.

The grace of honoring every single experience I’ve been through and every single step I’ve taken. Not making any of it wrong or bad.

We’ve all gone through some really hard shit.

Let’s not get stuck in the poo, but let’s stop minimizing it.

Damn, that was brutal. That hurt me deeply. It taught me. It molded me. I am the woman I am today because of it.

Let the pain have space. We need to feel it.

Often, the steps that matter most are the inner battles nobody else sees.

This past month has felt like at least six.

I’ve spent some time reflecting on everything I’ve accomplished and moved through.

I’ve also been thinking about the people I love and all that they’ve navigated too.

It’s so easy to focus on what we’re still integrating, what still needs healing, or where we’re trying to get next.

We often miss just how far we’ve already come.

I want to get better at celebrating that.

I’ll always be growing.

The people I love will always be growing too.

But can we make sure we’re also loving ourselves exactly as we are?

Can we celebrate ourselves and others with tenderness?

Growth doesn’t require withholding love until we arrive somewhere else.

Can we hold both? That we are always evolving and already enough?

Becoming and belonging at the same time.

We don’t have to earn our worth through our evolution.

Can we celebrate the quiet victories, the invisible courage, and the ways we’ve shown up when no one else was watching?

Let’s love the shit out of ourselves every single step of the way.